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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:11:34 GMT -7
How do dentists become brain surgeons?
When their drills slip.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:24:52 GMT -7
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there?" The Indian replied, "Many moons."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:03:13 GMT -7
One day in the Garden of Eden… Eve : Adam, do you really love me? Adam: no, not really. Eve : WHAT?! Then why did you make love to me?? Adam: HELLO?!? as if I had a choice!
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:10:18 GMT -7
Two college classmates met for the first time in years.
"How goes it with you, Pete?" asked one.
"Not good at all," mourned Pete. "My wife ran away with the mail man, my son is a juvenile delinquent, my bank failed, and all my teeth will have to come out."
"Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that," sympathized the classmate. "What business are you in now?"
"Some old line," answered Pete. "Selling good-luck charms."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:11:09 GMT -7
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:11:44 GMT -7
Sarcastically speaking, I dare you to do some of the things found on my top ten list:
1. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
2. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".
3. Call a political candidate's campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacy.
4. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die
5. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
6. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan
7. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it
8. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified
9. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
10. Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:12:06 GMT -7
Medical science has made a lot of progress with new miracle drugs. No matter what illness you have, the doctor can keep you alive long enough for you to pay your bill.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:12:37 GMT -7
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.
"'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow. And 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:14:32 GMT -7
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:15:08 GMT -7
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:16:17 GMT -7
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!". He did.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 18, 2010 8:17:41 GMT -7
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 19, 2010 12:22:00 GMT -7
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 19, 2010 12:23:16 GMT -7
How Fights Start
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 19, 2010 12:24:09 GMT -7
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
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