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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 8:52:12 GMT -7
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 8:54:43 GMT -7
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. "I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 8:56:40 GMT -7
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 8:58:08 GMT -7
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 8:59:20 GMT -7
Funny Signs
Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blow out.”
Door of a plastic surgeons office: “Hello, can we pick your nose?”
Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push.”
At an optometrists office “If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”
On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
On a Butchers window: “Let me meat your needs.”
On a fence: “Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
On the door of a computer store: “Out for a quick byte.”
In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
Inside a bowling alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
In a counselors office: “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
At a Santa Fe gas station: “We cannot sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”
In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy”
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”
In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”
In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”
In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”
In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”
Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
On a radiator repair garage: “Best place to take a leak.”
In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”
On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”
On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, “Do not throw stones at this sign.”
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 9:00:10 GMT -7
Husband: Oh my gosh, I almost ran over a man from Miami!
Wife: How do you know he was from Miami?
Husband: He kept screaming something that sounded like "Sunny beaches!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 9:00:50 GMT -7
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit for driving offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
"Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the car and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 9:01:35 GMT -7
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 9:06:46 GMT -7
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?" "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the blind man. "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!" To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 5, 2010 9:07:44 GMT -7
A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:28:10 GMT -7
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:29:40 GMT -7
Bad joke PART 1: Bad joke;
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?
|| || || \ / \/
Matt.
PART 2: Blond joke:
Matt (see part 1) was lying on a beach. He had been there for some time when a voluptuous Brunette came up to him and said, " Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been hugged?"
Matt said, "No, I can't say that I have."
The Brunette then gave him a HUG! (Not a hug, or a Hug, or even a HUG, but a HUG!)
The Brunette then went on down the beach.
A bit later, a gorgeous Redhead came up to him and said, "Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been kissed?"
Matt said, "No, not really."
The Redhead Kissed him. (Not a kiss, or a Kiss, or even a KISS, but a KISS!)
The redhead then went on down the beach.
Some time later, a beautiful blond walked up to him. Matt thought she was the sexiest woman he had ever seen.
The blond said, "Oh, you poor thing! No arms and no legs! Have you ever been screwed?"
Matt said, "No, I really haven't!"
The Blond then said, "Well you are about to. The tide is coming in."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:30:26 GMT -7
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:31:49 GMT -7
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longerremember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre wherethey are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walkonto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just onefinger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and overagain. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with greatpassion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and thedirector was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget myline?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:32:33 GMT -7
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
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