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Post by Doompickle on Mar 16, 2010 8:01:28 GMT -7
Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning.
"Oh my!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife.
"Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 16, 2010 8:02:23 GMT -7
Ten Things You'll never hear a man say
1. Here honey, you use the remote.
2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
7. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
8. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
9. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
10. We never talk anymore.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 16, 2010 8:02:40 GMT -7
Ten Things You'll never hear a woman say
1. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
6. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
7. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
8. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
9. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
10. Hey, pull my finger!
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 16, 2010 8:05:40 GMT -7
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.
He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 16, 2010 8:06:40 GMT -7
A guy walks into a store and says to the managaer "why doesn't your store have a name", the store manager says "I haven't thought of one yet but I think u can help me, what's your girlfriend's name." The guy says "Jenny" then the store owner says "What's do you like most about Jenny" and the guy says "her legs." So the store manager says "ok that's what we'll call my store Jenny's Legs. Here's a coupon come back tomorrow morning and you can have a free drink." And the man says "ok." The next day the man comes back to the store banging on the window yelling " where's my free drink, where's my free drink!" Then a police officer comes up to him and says "What are you doing?" and the guy says "I'm waiting for Jenny's Legs to open up."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 16, 2010 8:09:17 GMT -7
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:01:51 GMT -7
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:02:27 GMT -7
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:03:29 GMT -7
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:04:24 GMT -7
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar one afternoon.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:05:26 GMT -7
As the bus pulled away, Janet realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found her bag. When she went to pick it up, several off- duty bus drivers surrounded her.
One of the men handed over her pocketbook, two typewritten pages, and a box containing the contents of Janet's purse.
"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."
As she started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse... and we'd like to see just how you do it."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:05:58 GMT -7
Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:07:16 GMT -7
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:07:48 GMT -7
Grandpa was reminiscing about the good old days...
"When I was a lad, Ma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar bill, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and a half dozen eggs.
You can't do that now! Too many security cameras!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 17, 2010 8:08:31 GMT -7
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. But I have no idea how they get in there.
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