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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:37:48 GMT -7
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.
She asked, "Do I click the square?"
I said, "Yes."
She asked me, "Single click or double click?"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:40:07 GMT -7
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:42:30 GMT -7
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology canbe misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he hadwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:45:30 GMT -7
Driving Rules
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.
8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
11. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
12. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
13. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:46:05 GMT -7
A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"
Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and said, "Hey, what's the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:47:29 GMT -7
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked
his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.
She said, "I can't wear your pants."
"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the
one who wears the pants in the family."
The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.
"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your
attitude." she said and smiled.
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:49:04 GMT -7
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional
man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only
because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee
Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off
a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra
lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss
and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience
together.
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their
parents.
What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every
fault and make their life a living hell.
1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I
hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart
and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned
to divorce proceedings..."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:49:25 GMT -7
What do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car?
Dual air bags!
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 10, 2010 8:50:19 GMT -7
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand
new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong
to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I
had tennis elbow once."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 11, 2010 13:41:03 GMT -7
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 11, 2010 13:42:40 GMT -7
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 11, 2010 13:45:10 GMT -7
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: "Why are you holding out both of your hands?"
The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 11, 2010 13:46:43 GMT -7
The two commuters struck up a conversation on the economic situation of the country. "It's hard to collect money," said commuter A.
"How do you know?" asked commuter B. "Are you a collector?"
"No" said A. "But lots of people have tried to collect money from me lately."
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 11, 2010 13:47:28 GMT -7
After Laura was pulled over for speeding, she told her four-year-old daughter Olivia, "That was not a good thing that Mommy did. I was going too fast, and that's why the policeman gave me a ticket"
"What's the ticket mean?" Olivia asked.
Laura replied, "It means I have to pay a lot of money as a punishment."
The little girl then asked, "Why didn't he just spank you instead?"
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Post by Doompickle on Mar 11, 2010 13:48:21 GMT -7
A young man goes home from a war to see his mother in the hills of West Virginia. She has never left the hills and has never seen anything like her son's uniform or gun. He shows his mother both items, then she asks about the grenades on his belt. He says, "Well, you pull the pin and throw it."
She still doesn't quite get it, so he decides to demonstrate and throws it into the backyard.
The outhouse blows up and his mother cries, "Son you shouldn't have done that! Your father was in there."
And out crawls his father, all covered in dirt. He looks over at the hole and says, "Good thing I didn't let that off in the house."
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