|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:33:17 GMT -7
The matchmaker goes to visit a handsome, middle-aged bachelor, and owner of several very sucessful "Gentlemen Clubs". She claimed she had the perfect match for him.
"What do I need a wife for? I have two young sisters that look after all my needs."
"That's all well," she replied, "However, your sisters can't fulfill the role of a wife."
"I said I had two sisters, I didn't say they were MY sisters."
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:34:17 GMT -7
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again?"
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:36:40 GMT -7
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 8, 2010 8:37:14 GMT -7
What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan of Arc.
|
|
|
Post by DanB on Mar 8, 2010 14:49:03 GMT -7
First Post:
There once was a whore from Peru who filled her whole pussy with glue. She said with a grin, "You pay to get in... ...and you pay to get out of it too."
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:00:32 GMT -7
John had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, John wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," John said.
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:02:47 GMT -7
A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Lesson: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:05:56 GMT -7
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:07:21 GMT -7
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:10:42 GMT -7
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:11:11 GMT -7
Strolling into a bank, a woman presented a check and asked the teller to cash it. The teller informed the woman that she must first identify herself.
Pulling a mirror from a purse the woman looked in it and said, "Yes sir - it's me, all right."
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:11:47 GMT -7
Jim took two enthusiastic swings at the golf ball and missed both times.
He looked up at his companion and said, "That's funny - this course is two inches lower than the one I usually play."
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:12:24 GMT -7
Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese.
The police spokesman said that there was a strong possibility that the man had topped himself.
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:13:02 GMT -7
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
1. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
2. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
3. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
4. Uh-oh.
5. I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
6. Better crank up that anesthesia.
7. I don't think that was supposed to come off.
8. Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
9. Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
10. Hey... maybe the janitor knows what this is.
11. Cool! These colors are giving me flashbacks.
|
|
|
Post by Doompickle on Mar 9, 2010 9:15:40 GMT -7
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."
THIS MEANS:
1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does. 2. He is not in complete control of his hands. 3. His emotions are shattered. 4. His skin is numb. 5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler) 6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense. 7. He has been covered in saran-wrap. 8. He is in an isolation tank. 9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake. 10. He is feeling others.
|
|